the perils of

> Subjective       Umm... What the hell just happened.          My two months in Internal Medicine is up and I hardly got to document it. Heck, my last post was about the one day off I got. Looking back on everything that's happened between now and my last entry, I have so many regrets for not writing sooner.        I'm sorry.        I've been saying that word a lot lately, more often in these past two months than I've ever said my whole life.       I say it to almost every doctor I work with, right before saying something I shouldn't even be sorry about.  Sorry doc, may I just ask a question? Sorry doc, may I get an initial read? Sorry doc, our patient in 4A still has difficulty breathing even after nebulizing.  These are the "light" sorry's; I throw them out indiscriminately and they carry no weight. They are a mere concretization of my place in the hospital hierarc...

My plane leaves tomorrow at 6 AM.  Reasons why this makes me sad: I hate waking up early. Hate it hate it hate it so much.  I don't want to go back to Manila.  I don't want to leave home. Again. I don't want to leave home, ever.  I'll miss my family. Reasons why this makes me happy: My mom bought me some nice clothes I can wear to the airport, which I guess is pretty cool.

Okay. There might be a couple of things I missed to take into consideration when I decided to study in Manila. One. The crippling loneliness. Okay, well, I haven't actually experienced that yet, because my mom's here with me right now (but she'll be back in Cagayan by tomorrow.) But tomorrow, I'll actually be staying in my dorm. And even though I have a roommate, I can't really say to her everything I say to my family, now can I? Crippling. Loneliness. I know I know. I'll have friends. In fact, I'll have one sure friend with me. (Hello, Jason!) But then... CRIPPLING. LONELINESS. . . . Two. No television. I didn't think this would be a problem at first, because I don't pay much attention to the TV whenever it's on at home. But now, having no TV in my life leaves a void in my free time in my room. Because what is there to distract me from my homesickness? . . . Three. . . . Well, that's pretty much there is in my list as of now. I'll tell ...

I'm sorry I've broken my promise to post here daily. I know that not being in the mood is no excuse, and that my pillow probably has more willpower than I do. I's just that lately, I've been feeling so.. . teenager-ish. Hormonal, like everybody else is, and ordinary, like everybody else is. If I were sub -ordinary... Now, that wouldn't be a problem at all, because when you're not normal, you're either two things: awesome, or crazy. And being any of the two would be perfectly fine with me. These days, I'm feeling more and more like a piece of stepped-on excrement that's being dragged around on the sidewalk on a hot summer day. I hate my sissy girl feelings. I hate feeling like I need to lose weight. I hate feeling fat and ugly and worthless. I hate hating. The list of Things I Don't Like About Myself goes on, trust me, but I'm doing you a favor by sparing you from the gruesome details. Curse you, hormones. You deserve damnation.

Posting a sad random pic today because I'm not feeling too dandy. (see: previous post ) - Twilight comics - 'tis a sad, sad day for mankind. - I understand that some people will have difficulty understanding this post. I mean, somebody's probably reading this right now and thinking, "I thought she'd post a sad picture, but this is Twilight! " So, to all those who STILL think Stephenie Meyer is the best writer in the world, kindly do yourselves a favor and click here , you poor little saps.