Changing Lanes

After working in public health for most of my professional life - first as a Doctor to the Barrio, then in the DOH Central Office, then as a researcher - I've decided it's time to enter residency.

Scrubs these days are expensive AF. Did not buy.

For the uninitiated, residency is that special time in every specialist doctor's life where you work and train in a hospital for 3 to 5 years to become a specialist in something - in my case, Psychiatry. For the initiated, this is 3 to 5 years of being an overworked, underpaid zombie. 

My friends and family know I've agonized about this decision for a long time now. I already applied to a Psychiatry program last year, but decided not to push through to stay in the DOH. Last December I decided to quit DOH anyway and take what eventually became a "slow year." 

I was lucky enough to be offered a few research and consulting gigs, and to some extent, I was able to do things on my own terms. For the first time ever I was 100% work-from-home. I could wake up at 10 AM, get lunch at my own leisure, even go to the dentist during "office hours." I cooked more meals this year alone than I ever have in my whole life. I was able to visit my family in CDO twice without having to file any leaves. And in the downtime, I finished a lot of my video game backlog (and am currently grinding through Silksong). Having this unprecedented level of control over my own time felt amazing, and I savored every day. 

That's part of what makes the decision to enter residency so heavy for me. Our schedule as Psych residents is 7 AM to 5 PM on most days, with some 24-hour duties scattered throughout the month. This is already a very good schedule compared to most programs, where residents go on 36-hour duties every other day for years on end. 

But even with a more humane schedule, residency still seems like a daunting feat. Aside from time, I'll also be leaving - at least temporarily - a wonderful community of public health workers, friends, and mentors who have helped me to grow in ways I cannot count over the past years. 

Can you spot me in this pic? Because I can't. Help.

I began saying my melodramatic "goodbyes" at the recently-concluded Doctors to the Barrios Congress. "Goodbye, my friends!" I lamented. "As I enter the dark underbelly of residency, alas we must part ways, but momentarily. Do not forget me!" And in response people would blink and ask "Sino ka?"

Reflecting on this question as I am being escorted from the venue by security guards, I reiterate my reasons for finally making the heavy decision to go into Psychiatry. Although public health is my comfort zone, I find myself still wanting to see patients and practice medicine. For me, being a DTTB was already the ideal setup for myself, being able to see patients on the side and also getting to do administrative work. But I foresee that in the near future, we will have a surplus of general physicians who are willing and ready to do DTTB work, a shortage of DTTB or MHO positions, and a more extreme shortage of specialists in the remote areas. It's here that I feel like I can contribute the most.

This also comes at a time when I know I'm getting old and can no longer delay the decision any further. I used to be able to withstand running around on my feet for 24 hours, delivering blood samples from the wards to the labs, tossing bedpans to whoever needed them. Now, just sleeping weird gives me shoulder pain that lasts forever?? I'm already the oldest in my current incoming batch of first years - older by at least 3 years - and I already don't understand half of the things they talk about. What the hell is 6-7 and skibidi rizz?? 

Finally, I know I have it in myself to be a good psychiatrist. Over the years of being with my husband Rap I've gotten a lot of practice. I'm pretty good at nodding my head, saying "yes, go on," and asking raw, deep, emotional, and hard-hitting questions like, "When you caught your wife in bed eating the last Stik-O from the jar, how did that make you feel?" 

While going into Psychiatry answers a lot of questions about my career as a doctor, it opens a lot more about the future of this blog: what if a future patient finds it? Will they think any less of me because of my incoherent writing style and looseness of association? Will they be more hesitant to open up to me because of the risk of it going on here? I guess, along with many other questions - we'll just have to cross the bridge when we get there. 

Anyway, with the final days of "freedom" coming to a close, I'll cook as many meals as I can, cram as much skincare as I can cram, and of course join the November 30 protest against corruption! Kitakits sa Luneta!