religion, and possibly oversleeping

Why am I not asleep yet? It's 12:30 AM on THE first Saturday of the school year I'm going home. And NSTP (I think that stands for National Service Training Program) will kill me when I have to wake up later at 6. 

What is up with NSTP anyway? The whole system is crazy. We're allowed only 9 hours of cuts, and already I've got 4 hours worth of cuts because I was late twenty minutes for the first meeting! >:( It's crazy. You can't be late, or forget your ID or your NSTP uniform or else BOOM you've got a 15,205-hour cut, and the next thing you know, you've FAILED NSTP, and you're spending your fifth year in Ateneo taking ONLY NSTP while your batchmates are off doing proper things with their proper lives. 

I'm sorry, NSTP is not stupid. I really love the concept behind NSTP. It sounds revolutionary. But all these rules that they impose on us - it's FREAKING SCARY! I feel like if I wake up late, or leave my name tag or do even just the tiniest screw up, I'll get an F for my NSTP grade, and I'LL HAVE TO LEAVE ATENEO ASLKFJASLDFJ SADF

My friend Ren proposed this really smart idea where we buddy up within the block, and we watch over our buddies come NSTP time to make sure they come in early and that they don't oversleep. Many a Health Sci major have already fallen victim to the dreaded alarm that doesn't work, or the bittersweet Friday night party that leaves everyone groggy in the morning and unfit to chase after the NSTP jeeps that they have just missed. 

That's actually happened before. Tardy Health Sci friends chasing after NSTP jeeps, I mean. 

To be honest though I haven't felt any real connection with any kid just yet. During our first insertion at Gawad Kalinga in Caloocan, I was really scared that the kids wouldn't like me because of my horrible Tagalog (for those of you who have just tuned in, I'm from the Cebuano-speaking city of Cagayan de Oro). Fortunately for me,  these kids were very easy to please. Who needs conversation skills when all you need to say is "Hello! Ako si Ate Aimee!" and smile a lot and run around as needed. The kids of Gawad Kalinga, Bagong Silang are really, really friendly, so if you're a shy person (like I sometimes am), don't worry, becuase these kids are very easy to get along with. :)

However, all I ever do is just smile and play games with these kids. Sadly, I don't even remember most of their names, and I feel really bad about that because they already know mine! Sure, they're a very lovely bunch of people to know, but I don't see myself forming a lasting bond with any of these kids. It's starting to seem that maybe a year from now, all they will be to me are characters in cute little stories I will retell with my friends, like, "Hey, remember that time Cheryl nearly got trampled by all those kids?" or, "Remember when AC asked those kids about Rap's race?" 

PAUSE! Let me elaborate on that last one. See, it was our first NSTP insertion at Gawad Kalinga, and AC and Rap were making friendly talk with a bunch of kids. Then AC asks, "Ano sa tingin niyo si Kuya Rap, Koreano o Intsik?" The kids pause to think for a while, and then they say, "Tao." 

AWW YEAHHHHHHH

 . . .

Speaking of cool stories, I'm really nervous about this film project. We're really unprepared for it. In fact, we were supposed to shoot today, but we decided against it since we hadn't readied ourselves. Urgh. I hope we don't bail like last year. 

. . .

Still speaking of cool stories, we're finally discussing the Bible in Theo class. Our teacher, Brother Donayre, says that the Bible is NOT a historical account and that we should not take everything it says literally. Like the 7 Days of Creation. My question is, WHY DIDN'T THEY TEACH US THAT IN PRESCHOOL? Why did the nuns of Kong Hua tell us these stories like they ACTUALLY HAPPENED? They could have at least given us a disclaimer or something, like a note telling us how Noah cramming two of every animal in the world into that one ark is actually a symbol for, I don't know, perserverance?, and not an actual event in history.

I don't understand the point of religion. In high school I just kept looking for some way to tie what I believe to be true with what I know is true, but now that I've taken three months worth of Theology classes, hoping to find answers, I've arrived at the conclusion that RELIGION DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL. I thought the point of Theology class was to "mature in my faith in God," and in the many, many hours I have spent in that Theo classroom I don't see myself "maturing in my faith in God" at all.

If anything, Theology has been pointing out inconsistencies in Roman Catholic religion, and it has been doing nothing to patch up the holes in my beliefs. And Brother Donayre seems like a very, very logical guy. I wonder why he is still intent on becoming a priest despite knowing about all these inconsistencies!

I guess that's what faith is for you. One idea can be as flimsy as the cheese in a McDonald's cheeseburger, and yet people will gladly believe it's as sturdy as concrete if it promises them salvation and other fabulous prizes. 

I find that if you want to get to know God, the way to go about it is definitely not by mindlessly following what religion tells you to do, because religion has become a bunch of hollow rituals that people just follow out of fear. It's like saying, "If you don't go to Mass, you will go to hell. If you don't believe in the Church, you will go to hell." HELL HELL HELL. To hell with hell. 

Many of us were born into the Roman Catholic faith. We didn't choose to be Christian. Our parents did. And while I am still thankful that I was raised a Roman Catholic (in a school of nuns at that), I'm also thankful that I've been given a different perspective on my own religion. I wouldn't have seen things the way I do now had it not been for information I had to dig for myself, and the many people with whom I have had the pleasure of discussing ideas. 

Anyway, I find that all anyone can really know about God is that God is the supreme force that created all of us. I do not know if he is good or bad, or if he loves me or not (although I would most certainly like to think he does). And I do not know if I was created with an actual purpose. All I can say is that I was created, period. 

I would like to end this long rant with a quote from Max Ehrmann's Desiderata: "Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."

. . .

Hey, look at these! Baby hedgehogs!