Covid Diaries #1

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So I'm just gonna come right out and say it: I got Covid. It's been four days since my positive result, and I'm still in shock, trying to come to terms with the immense guilt and grief that comes with having to tell all my close contacts. 

What's the best way to tell someone you've possibly infected them and they have to spend the next 14 days in isolation? By just doing it. As soon as humanly possible.

What's the best way to process inner turmoil and not allow grief to consume you while in quarantine? I don't know. And I would love to hear your suggestions.

So this is my way of coping, I guess. Writing. However vaguely. 

And making quarantine arrangements for the people I've possibly infected.  

And allowing anxious thoughts to grate against the inside of my brain, repeatedly, with much force, as if the constant friction could wipe my mind clean like rubber on graphite. 

And trying to block out those thoughts by playing online chess. (If you're into that, hit me up on chess.com, I'm eemia26. I could use the practice and, to be honest, the company.)

One thing I noticed about being a Covid-positive person is that you're no longer entitled to any privacy. Once people get word of your status (and trust me, if you're a district doctor with 40-something employees and contacts in the City Health Office, oh all of China will know), it's like switching on a big flashing neon sign on your head that says Hi! I'm Covid positive! Please ask me all your questions about my symptoms and how I got it! 

But I get it. People are generally well-intentioned and just plain concerned. I just... haven't really had the time to process the news and grieve. And everything happened so fast. One minute I was in a hotel, peacefully studying with my batchmates, and the next thing I know I'm Covid-positive and on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I had no choice but to let them know before a major exam for our masters degree. The next day, I failed the exam.

So yeah, so much is happening so fast that I haven't really felt the slow burn of quarantine time. There's just been a series of bad things happening one after another. Like I'm being sucked into a tornado of negativity.

But it's really not all bad. On the bright side...
  • I've gotten my first dose of the vaccine already, so I'm confident that I won't progress to severe Covid
  • Symptoms are just mild - clogged nose, occasional headache
  • My close contacts don't have any symptoms and have been very kind and supportive of me 😭 
  • I've got a loving and supportive partner who understands how cruel I can be to myself and reminds me to go easy on me
  • My partner and my dad both tested negative. Hay salamat.
  • Got an okay grade (aka passing) for my Biostat exam today. Phew
Yeah I guess things aren't all bad. Just gotta try and see things a bit more positively...  

Get it? 

Positively? 😬 

My quarantine facility AKA kulungan for the next 14 days.

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