facing fears

       As I've said previously, I've had no issues dissecting the arms, legs, back, and torso, but the face was a different story. Well, here's that story.

      I was never excited to see her face. All along I kept picturing myself unwrapping her shroud to reveal her as she might have looked in her final moments: tortured, suffering in eternal, excruciating pain. With her eyelids peeled back, mouth permanently twisted into a silent scream, and dead eyes pleading me for help. Or with three bullets in her head (as has been found in a cadaver from a previous batch). Or, worse, that she would look enraged, scowling at me, swearing vegeance upon me for having cut open her body so carelessly.

      But this is after all the head and neck module, and I had no choice but to, well, face my fears (get it? Face my fears?).

      I had prepared myself the night before by watching videos of face dissection. And on the day itself, I was surprised to find that I no longer felt dread or fear. I only knew that there was a job to be done, and we had to do it.

     And so there we all were, 150-something med students, up in the anatomy lab. As my groupmates and I went through the process of "scrubbing in" (i.e. doing the peaceful, menial tasks of putting on gloves, wearing face masks, and fetching instruments from the locker), my groupmate Joe walked up to the cadaver and just unceremoniously peeled back the blue sheet that covered her head. He never announced that he was going to do it; he just went ahead and exposed her.

      And so there she was, Cadaver #3, lying on the cold table for all the world to see. She had a small face, with eyelids closed, thick lips, and a short but wide nose. Her nose and her lips looked flattened, as if a heavy weight had been set upon them for a while. She looked very young, like an early teen. She wasn't scowling or angry or tortured or even staring. She just looked peaceful.

      And that made it easier for me to step up and volunteer to make the first cut. From the highest point on the head, tracing a vertical line down in between the eyebrows, to the tip of the nose, around the mouth, ending at the chin. Going back up, following the jawline to the ears, and then going back and cutting around the eyelids. As I was cutting, I felt stronger, braver. With help from my groupmates, I found the courage I needed to get me through.

      The next dissection session we had was the eye. I won't get into detail much about it, but I will say that it was definitely an eye-opener. lol

There's a part of the eye called the lacrimal lake - literally, a lake of tears. So hardcore. 

      Yesterday, while Dr. Sam was telling the class about how to study for the anatomy exam, the following exchange occurred:

      Dr. Sam: You know, you can study with the preserved head specimens that we have.
      Me (to Rap): They have head specimens!?! Like, just heads!?
      Rap: Yeah.
      Me: As in, dead, decapitated heads floating around in a jar!?!
      Rap: Yeah.
      Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
      Rap: Why do you sound so freaked out? You've seen an entire dead person before!
      Me: Oh right. I forgot that I'm over that already.

. . .

      Now I shall leave because I have a reflection paper to cram for Management. Hi, Tin, I'm mentioning you!